Worried about someone?

How to help a mate.

You don't need to be an expert, and you don't need the right words. Most of the time it's just noticing, asking, and sticking around.

Notice

He's gone quiet, or louder than usual. Cancelling plans. Drinking more. Short fuse. Not sleeping. Says "I'm fine" a bit too fast. Jokes about being a burden, or about not being around.

Ask twice

"How are you doing?" "Fine." "No, honestly mate, how are you doing?" The second ask is the one that tells him you actually want to know.

Side by side

Blokes talk easier when they're not staring at each other. A walk, a drive, a brew on the tailgate. Less eye contact, more chance he'll open up.

Listen, don't fix

Let him finish. Don't jump in with advice or "I had it worse". Ask open questions like "What's that been like?" and say back what you heard, so he knows you got it.

Stick around

Text him the next day. Put another walk in the diary. Offer to sit with him while he books a GP appointment. Turning up again matters more than anything you said.

Try saying

"You've seemed a bit off lately. Everything alright?"
"I'm not going anywhere. Take your time."
"That sounds really hard. Thanks for telling me."
"Want to go for a walk this week?"

Try not to say

"Man up" or "Cheer up, it could be worse."
"You've got nothing to be down about."
"I know exactly how you feel."
Anything that turns it into your story.

If you're worried he might end his life

Ask him straight: "Are you thinking about suicide?" It feels huge, but asking directly won't put the idea in his head. It gives him permission to be honest, and often it's a relief.

If he says yes: stay calm, stay with him, and listen. Help him call Samaritans on 116 123 together, or ring NHS 111 and choose option 2. If he's in danger right now, or has already hurt himself, call 999.

You don't have to carry this on your own, and you're not his therapist. Your job is to get him to someone who can help. All the numbers are on Get help →

And look after yourself afterwards. Conversations like this take it out of you. Talk to someone too, even if that's Samaritans.